An International Conspiracy

There is an international conspiracy going on to prevent me from taking an internet connection. Don't believe me?.. read on.

I checked all the available options for wireless broadband and zeroed in on Reliance Netconnect as they had an unlimited plan (10pm - 6am) for 400 /- pm. Nice. Other Data Card plans were damn expensive. I went on to enquire what are the required documents for that at their store. That was two months back.

Me: What are the documents you require?
Representative: Your address proof, id proof and a photo and your bank account.. i mean 2300 Rs, Sir.
Me: I am new to mumbai what address proof can i give?
Rep: Your rental agreement or phone bill, Sir.
Me: Will the address proof from the company do?
Rep: Yes Sir. Thats fine Sir. You can bring that Sir.
Me: And in how many days can i get the connection?
Rep: Within 3 days Sir. You give the documents tomorrow. We will do the verification next day and the third day you will get the connection Sir.

Happy and surprised that I can get it all done in 3 days flat, i marched back home and ordered a chicken biriyani to stuff myself. The next day i came down to their office and produced the address proof printed on my company letterhead stating that I indeed work at the company and I stay at the given address at Goregaon. The rep looked at the company logo for around 5 mins and tried to figure out what it stands for. I waited patiently for him to figure out that its a logo which is easily identifiable all over the world. He finally cracked it at just 5 secs to complete 5 mins and read it aloud. I nodded Yes. With a triumphant smile he went on to read the contents of the letter. He read it all fine and then got stuck at the part where the address was written. 10 more mins and then he exclaimed. "You stay nearby, Sir!". I again nodded in affirmative.

He then proceeded to read the letter in its entirety once again. Once completely satisified that he can read the letter he looked up with an expression which the doctors give to their patient when they are going to die in few days. If you have seen Dasvidaniya and other Hindi movies where the hero is going to die by blood cancer or brain tumor, you will know.

Rep: This cannot be accepted, Sir.

I was worried. Is there any spelling mistake? I asked "Why?"

Rep: Sir, this has your address.

Surely, Its supposed to be my address proof. What else can it have?

Me: Thats the address proof. Thats where I stay.
Rep: No Sir. We can't accept this. If you can bring a letter with the company address on it we can approve that.

Confused, I asked "Like?"

Rep: Like the company phone bill Sir. You get the phone bill Sir and then we can give the connection.

I started getting it. The address proof they were looking for was some kind of document which is in vogue, you know. Like the electricity bills, phone bills. A mere address proof letter from the company is not valid. I bid goodbye to him and walked back thinking what can be done. Asking friends to take connection on my behalf was fine but then bills would be directed to them and its not such a good idea. I had to get a phone connection. As I was looking to convert to vodafone postpaid, I made it a point to put the office address as the billing address. Killing one bird with two stones. Perfect, I thought and ordered a Chicken Biriyani.

I should mention here that it took one month after taking the postpaid connection for the bill to arrive and in the meantime our friendly boys from across the neighbour came to pay us a visit and kept mumbai awake for 59 hours. Finally, One fine morning the bill came and I moonwalked my way to the reliance office.

Me: Here is the address proof.
I flashed my id card and slammed the bill on the reps table. I demanded an entry into their wireless network. The rep took one look at the bill and started laughing uncontrollably. Now What?.

Rep... haha... Dis... hohoho.. lettarr.. hehehe... hehehhe... not... haha... accept... hahahahahaha.. Sirrrr... hohohoho.

While he was beating his hands and legs in the air while rolling on the floor, I managed to make out that he meant to say "This letter cannot be accepted". I waited for him to calm down to understand one simple question "why". He called out to his colleagues and I waited helplessly till they completed their rolling and waving and laughing.

Rep: hahaha... Sir... There was a change in regulation just a week before. We can't accept Vodafone Bills.
Me: But its a phone bill addressed to my company. Surely, you must not have any problem sending your bills there?
Rep: Sir, this is your bill. Not companys bill. If your company approves our sending the bill to this address, then maybe we can approve it.
Me: And what do I need to do for that?
Rep: Sir, get an NOC from your office stating that and then we can pass it.

And so I came back home and ate Chicken Biriyani and kept a reminder on my phone to apply for an NOC tomorrow.

NOC. I explained in exact 298 characters why I need an NOC in the online submission form and pressed ok. There was no approval mail or anything but the status went to closed from open and I went on to ask our HR head about the NOC. And he said,

HR: We dont issue an NOC in such cases.
Me: Why?
HR: Its a company policy. No external communications allowed.

Translated properly, it means No internet connection.
Me: ...
HR: Try getting the connection in your friends name who are staying nearby.

Yeah, just what I dont want to.
Me: ...

Sensing no reply and seeing my stunned expression and cold eyes he asked me to leave.
HR: You may go now.
Me: ...
HR: Securityy...

The security dumped me next to the garbage bin outside and i collected my broken parts and came back to my seat. It was unbelievable. One month of waiting and the regulations get changed. The address proof on the company letter head not accepted. NOC cannot be issued when all kinds of credit card bills can come to office. There is more to it. Thats when i added 1 and 1 and got 2 on my calculator. The damned friendly neighbours!!... those @$$3$ are behind it!!.. Think of it. Everything... the address proof document that is accepted everywhere is not getting accepted here. Just when i got my postpaid bill, the regulations changed. And when there was a way to get it passed, i am refused the NOC!!!!... Who else other than those neighbouring buggers!! I know its hard to believe but its also hard to overlook the facts. There IS an international conspiracy involved here to prevent me from getting online.

Now you believe me? Lets go and get them. But first, let me have my Chicken Biriyani.